I'm not sure what you're smoking, but the answer is no.

Dear Hotel Guests,

As a convenience to our guests, we offer limited smoking rooms. Sometimes, guests who make reservations ahead of time intentionally book these rooms, with full intention of utilizing them for their purpose. This we encourage. So when you show up on a random evening, expecting one, and they are not available, this is not my fault.

No, I cannot and will not make one of my nonsmoking rooms into a smoking room for you, thanks for asking. Nor will I make an exception just for you, and ruin a perfectly good room. It is not worth one night’s revenue, when I’ll undoubtedly have to either refund everyone who stays in that room until the stench goes away, or put it out of service.

If you then decide to whisper to your spouse that “maybe we should go outside to talk about this and someone else will be here when we come back,” maybe you should lower your voice. But what do I know; I’m just some silly desk clerk who won’t let you wreck a room. Let me know how that devious plan pans out, will you?

Sincerely,

Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk

If you know so much, why don't you stand here?

Dear Hotel Guests,

We’re glad you choose to stay with us when your company sends you away on travel multiple days each month. We understand that being away from home more than not is rough, and that this really is your home away from home. This dedication makes you one of our elite guests, and for that we are eternally grateful!

What this does not make you is “more informed” on the hotel policies than I am. Your mischievous giggle indicates you think you are making a hilarious joke. However, when we are not even discussing anything to do with “hotel policy” and you just drop that in, I get the feeling you aren’t actually joking.

Unless you indicate in any way that you also work for my hotel, (which you don’t, because you’d be too busy actually working in a hotel to gain elite membership at the hotel,) then don’t tell me you know how to do my job better than me.

And if you do, in fact, know how to perform my job better than I do, why, pray tell, are you coming to me with questions that even the new hires would know?  

Once again, we appreciate your loyalty!

Sincerely,

Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk

Your future is looking a little inky.

Dear Hotel Guests,

I know this may come as a surprise to you, but the ink level in your printer does not, in any way, impact an online reservation being fulfilled. Knowing this gem can save you the embarrassment of making a phone call such as the following:

Guest: “Hello, I wanted to check to see if my reservation went through.”

Me: “Certainly, let me look that up for you.”

Guest: “You see, I made the reservation online, but I’m not sure if it went through or not. I have no ink in my printer, so I don’t think it worked.”

Me: “…. To the best of my knowledge, ma’am, there is no correlation between printer ink levels and whether an online reservation processed.

Thank you 2013, I’m thinking we have a promising year of tales ahead.

Cheers,

Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk

Babysitters Club: Hotel Edition

Dear Hotel Guests,

Welcome to the hotel! Hope you enjoy your stay. Now that you’re all settled in, it seems time to become inebriated and leave the kids to fend for their selves! When staying with us, you can trust a toddler to pour his own steaming mug of hot coffee, and swim unattended, without floaties.

Children, are you thirsty? Since mom and dad are preoccupied with their own frothy beverages, why not drink 14 refreshing packets of cocoa mixed with non-dairy creamers! Run amuck up and down the halls screeching and beating on doors. Trashcans are just a novelty here, because why walk over to the trash bin when there is an entire pristine floor to toss empty wrappers!

Parents, sleep tight knowing your little darlings will be up all night from devouring handfuls of cookies, and from the nightmares they will endure upon discovering the horror that their sweet treats are entirely gone. No need to worry about entertaining your lil rascals during their all-nighters, because their brand new iPads step in, right where you stepped out.

It seems you thought this was the daycare. But alas, what am I to do? If I ask your sweet child if she needs assistance in helping herself to the cabinets, she will likely run to tell you what a mean witch I am, even though I just didn’t want her to end up with pinched fingers.

Sincerely,

Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk

We're here to ruin your stay.

Dear Hotel Guests,

If you have such terrible experiences every time you come here, which is apparently every month, (although I don’t recognize you at all) ,why do you keep returning?  

If I stayed at a hotel and had a lousy time, and felt the need to give it a second chance, and repeatedly had a bad stay, I wouldn’t come back a third time. Let alone fourth, fifth, twentieth. Repeated stays usually indicate satisfaction.

But I suppose if you walk in knowing you can say anything you want to get your money back, a free room is always a nice one.

Sincerely,

Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk

Please find other accommodations.

Dear Hotel Guests,

To not eat a cookie because you do not like the ethnicity of the person to have one before you is disgusting. Not that person. You. And to openly express it to the clerk, instead of keeping your nasty thoughts to yourself is a waste of your breath. You’re not funny.

Shame I couldn’t have turned you away. I’m glad you didn’t enjoy a cookie because of your prejudice. I hope you miss out on many enjoyable things because of your own bigotry.

Sincerely,

Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk

P.S. Don’t be mislead that this is a common occurrence for me, thankfully it is not. But the fact it happened at all is most disturbing and must be addressed.

Front Desk now equipped with parallel bars!

Dear Hotel Guests,

If you are standing in front of the desk while conversing with your coworker/spouse/friend/stranger etc, please move the interaction elsewhere when you see another guest attempting check-in. We have a lovely lounge area, sofas, chairs and all sorts of things mere feet away from you, which would still allow for a lovely, even perhaps improved upon, conversation.

Even if you are certain the person is a main performer in Cirque De Soleil, your fellow guest should not have to perform acrobatics just to sign the registration because of your lack of consideration.

Sincerely,

Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk

Breaking news: Worldwide cookie shortage reported!

Dear Hotel Guests,

Please note that cookies are not going to become extinct.

Unless you keep eating them with that mindset.

Sincerely,

Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk

Don't mind me, I'm not saying anything important anyway.

Dear Hotel Guests,

I would like to commend you on your listening skills. They are some of the finest I have encountered.

Guest: “Hello, how much is a room with the senior discount?”

Me: “The senior rate would be 99.00”

Guest: “Is that the senior rate?”

Your eye contact is amazing, and can truly convince the person you are conversing with that you really are paying attention.

Guest: “How tall is this building, anyway?”

Me: “The building is three levels. Would you like a second or third floor room?”

Guest: “Oh, the fifth floor would be great, thank you!”

Sometimes, guests even want to impress you and others by indicating that they really did pay attention.

Guest: “At what time does breakfast end?”

Me: “The free breakfast will be closing at 10am.”

Guest, to companion: “Cool! They said breakfast is all day and is added to the bill!”

Looks like with your impressive skills, they allowed you to skip those lessons in elementary school. Congratulations, let me go find my gold stars, because you earned it!

Sincerely,

Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk

Change for a hundred?

Dear Hotel Guests,

Unfortunately, I am not a bank, and cannot provide you with the small bills you request in exchange for a one hundred dollar bill. The large majority of expensive transactions take place on credit and debit cards. The large majority of small snack purchase transactions are done with cash. As a result, we do not have access to a lot of cash.

No, it is not my fault the housekeepers aren’t getting a tip because you couldn’t get change. You won’t be able to have proper change at the toll? Sorry, let me print you directions for an alternate route. I’ve heard it all, and it doesn’t change my ability to give you change.

Your trickery in sending a travel companion to buy a drink costing under two dollars, using the same $100 bill? The cash drawer didn’t magically spawn small bills in your absence, and I still do not have change for you!

And who wants to be flashing big bills whilst traveling anyway? Guess I know who to mug in the parking lot now.

Sincerely,

Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk

P.S. If my cash drawer actually magically began producing money… you’d be the last to find out.

Now it's 51, actually!

Dear Hotel Guests-In-Training,

I would like to mark that with today, we have reached 50 posts, and have received nearly 5,000 views from trainees such as yourselves! Without you, I'd just be some lunatic rambling onto some blog of which no one has ever read. I may be a rambling lunatic (look what I'm working with), but at least I know that someone somewhere, chuckled or related. Better yet, if you dislike me, you’ve been given a step by step guide on how to really exasperate me. Either way, you’ve gained something. And for that the battle wages on.

Thanks for your continued reads, shares, and ideas. It’s good to log in on a day when I haven’t shared the link anywhere, to see a surge of views. If there is a story you’d like to share, a question you’d like answered or an upcoming hotel stay you have, don’t hesitate to contact me. I really am friendly, when I’m not dealing with buffoons, and even then, every buffoon deserves a chance to be a functioning member of society.

Yours truly,

Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk

Birthdays come but once a year. Every year.

Dear Hotel Guests,

If you want to book a room a week or so in advance, and it so happens the hotel is full, please do not be mad at me for this. I understand you love it here, but apparently so do tons of other people. I guess their love is stronger because they booked sooner than you. Shucks.

You’re a rewards member you say? Well then, let me kick out some wise soul who made reservations months in advance, so you, Last Minute Sally can have a place for a birthday getaway. You slam down that telephone because that just may jostle an extra room into existence.

If it’s someone you like enough to share a hotel room with, I think you should have put a little thought into their birthday more than a week before. But that’s just me. If you’d like to book for next year’s party I can help you out, we’re wide open then!

Sincerely,

Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk

Checked out of sanity!

Dear Hotel Guests,

Please don’t be alarmed if you check out of your room, come back hours later, and find your room has already been cleaned and prepared for the next guest. This is normal, it means the housekeepers are doing a stellar job.

Don’t be appalled that housekeeping “took the tip and everything”. Tip-ically, once the room is empty and you have left the hotel, the unfortunate soul who has to clean up after your sorry self takes your offering as a consolation prize for a job well done.

Once you “check out” your reservation has ended, and any ownership you may have felt towards the room is forfeited. Just because we have an official designated time of departure, doesn’t mean you can come and go as you please after checking out at front desk. If this is your desire, wait until you are done to check out.

We appreciate your understanding.

Sincerely,

Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk

Splish splash, I was taking my time!

Dear Hotel Guests,

The pool closes at a specific time. This time is communicated when you check in, in all of our collateral, and in the pool room itself. The clock is even set five minutes fast in there to ensure the pool is vacant at closing time.

If you choose to repeatedly disregard all of these notices, and inform me that you planned on using said pool until I came in to lock it up whilst a giggle, even though you knew it closed ten minutes prior, then please, for the love of sanity, pick up the pace in exiting the pool.

This isn’t the time for changing outfits, doing manicures, soaking for just a couple extra minutes. It is time to leave. You have a hotel room in which you can do all those things, and more! I don’t really like standing around in a 90 degree, humid room, while in full front desk uniform, waiting ten minutes for your toesies to dry so I can shut off the lights.

Thanks for your consideration, and upon exit, be extra careful, as the floor is in fact slippery. You just splash on out of here, mmkay?

Sincerely,

Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk

A gold medal in the hotel obstacle course.

Dear Hotel Guests,

When waiting for the elevator, and you see someone trying to exit said elevator with a large item, such as a folding bed or a luggage cart, it is normal practice to move out of the path of the doors.

Sometimes obstacle courses are fun, but not when you could get a bad score for “accidentally” running over one of the hindrances. As much as we would like to, it is unfortunately frowned upon. Thank you for understanding.

Sincerely,

Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk