The only vacancy around here is your mind.

Dear Hotel Guests,

When I tell you the entire hotel is sold out, I mean that every single room is reserved for someone who is not you. No, we don’t have a suite or just a twin bed in some corner. No I can’t just “squeeze you in.” Sold out, full, no vacancy, booked solid. No matter how many ways you ask, the fact is that there is no space available, and you can’t have a room.

Your sneaky tactics do not work either. “Have there been any cancellations?” If we did, then we wouldn’t be sold out! “Will there be any cancellations?” I’m sorry, my crystal ball is coming in fuzzy today, try again later. Using sad puppy eyes and the ever adorable and witty “Is there any room at the inn for a weary traveler” doesn’t work either.

Once I complete my architectural, carpentry, electrical and plumbing certifications, I will be sure to start installation of that extra wing, especially for you!

Sincerely,

Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk

P.S. It was a joke when I said you could sleep on the couch. Please leave now.

Isn't it ironic, don't you think?

Dear Hotel Guests,

Common courtesy should dictate that when handing another person an iron, plate first, the recipient should be warned if said iron is still hot! If my hand is being scalded, I don’t much care if it grew wings and started to fly away, let alone that it is merely leaking water.

Thank you for your consideration. Now go run with scissors.

Sincerely,

Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk

I'm not sure what book you're reading...

Dear Hotel Guests,

Check in time is three or whenever you want to arrive after that. Check out time the following day is noon at the latest. Departure is not based on “when you check in.”  If you arrive five hours after three, you do not get to leave five hours after check out time.

I know you read it in your unspecified “book” of information, but when you reserve a room, you’re reserving it for any amount of time you’d like to use it between official check out and check in times.

It sounds like what you may be looking for is a pay by the hour motel.

Sincerely,

Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk.

Have a drink on me!

Dear Hotel Guests,

Although I usually only address rogue visitors, I must point out that some of you are most spectacular. It’s just not as entertaining to read about people functioning as normal human beings. Anomalies are more interesting. Do you go to the online doctor to read about average toenail growth speeds? No. You go to read about the bulbous wart growing off your nose and to find out if whatever is oozing from it is normal.

                However, it must be noted that anomalies are not always bad. In fact, some are most excellent. And to this I would like to write about an encounter with a guest who visits multiple times during the month. Upon finding out about my upcoming vacation, the man disappeared to his room. Shortly returning, he offered me a gift, saying to have a drink on him whilst on vacation. I was surprised, and thanked him profusely. When I unfolded bill, I thought for sure it was a blunder. Afraid that perhaps his eyesight was failing.

                “I appreciate your generosity,” I said, “but I’m afraid you may have made a mistake.” He looked at me grinning, and I continued, “You said you wanted to buy me a drink, but that will buy me a few more than one!” Grabbing a cookie he answered me, still smiling, “Well you can’t have just one! You have to order a round!”

                He started to walk away, and before wishing me well on vacation said “I’m just glad I was able to do that for you.” People aren’t always so bad. And while I’m enjoying my holiday, I will know what it’s like to be on the other side. A simple gesture, to show someone you appreciate what they have done for you, makes a difference.

                And that, folks, is where I will be next week. Once I return, I’m sure I’ll be back to my usual snarky adventures, as I won’t have a weeklong getaway hovering on the horizon to get me through the days.

Bon voyage,

Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk

Waste removal person, at your service!

Dear Hotel Guests,

As awesome as it would be to speed up and down the corridors in a miniature waste removal truck, we do not offer room-side trash pickup.

You’re not at a five star hotel where poor bellhops have to stand alert making sure not a strand of carpet is out of place, who will jump in to whisk your waste away the moment your door opens. And you’re not camping out in some dimly lit dump of a motel where fresh bags of garbage would be an improvement to the decor. You selected to stay at a nice, midrange hotel, where there is the understanding that a butler is not part of the package. You’ll turn down your own bed, park your own auto, and help yourself to cookies that aren’t served on a gold platter.

So the next time you have garbagio of which to dispose, go the extra yards, and find a trash bin for your leftover shrimp scampi if it’s too odiferous for your in room waste bin. Tossing it out into the hall when no one is looking isn’t very nice and if you couldn’t handle the smell, what makes you think your neighbors want to either. Or bring it to me, I will toss it for you, or direct you to a rubbish receptacle.

                However, things might change if we ever invest in a miniature waste removal truck that I can peruse the halls in at top velocity.

Sincerely,

Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk

Slippery when wet, brain cells optional.

Dear Hotel Guests,

Thank you for informing me that the floor in the pool room is wet and slippery. This is a phenomenon of which I am entirely unfamiliar. I just don’t know how the problem of a wet floor surrounding a swimming pool went undetected for so many years. I will certainly begin installation of the flooring you would prefer as soon as you hang up the phone.

If anyone needs me, I’ll be the one in the pool room with a tool belt and jackhammer.

Sincerely,

Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk

American Association of Rabid Persons? Rude Persons?

Dear Hotel Guests,

Your AARP card expired over a year ago. Only current members are able to take advantage of discounts associated with membership.

If you have a valid card, hand it over, because the discounts are great! On the contrary, if you tell me that you are unable to provide documentation to prove you are in fact still a current member I cannot give you the discount. Makes sense to me, but apparently It is rude and unnecessary to get angry at me, because “no one anywhere has ever asked you for the card before.”

If other places have no issues with you ripping them off, that’s their prerogative. I, however, am doing my job correctly, and have no qualms about only honoring current cards. And, no, your birthday on your license isn’t sufficient. Being 65 doesn’t automatically make you a member of AARP.

I don’t make the rules. I just enforce them, one fake retiree card at a time! It’s probably best I don’t make the rules.

Sincerely,

Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk-

P.S. The little card you receive in promotional mailings from AARP that says your name on it and “Respond by June 12, 2011” does not count as a valid membership card. That would be like using the sample credit card that the send you in the mail. Not allowed.

The Perils of Booking Rooms on Third Party Sites

Dear Hotel Guests,

Today we present you with a lesson on third party reservation booking sites. Third party sites are companies like Expedia, Hotels.com, Priceline, and Hotwire. Third party sites aren’t always as benevolent as you may think. Third party sites can be a wily nemesis of a hotel.

Know what site you are actually visiting before entering any credit card information. I cannot stress this enough. These sites are often designed to look like the hotel’s official site. Dozens of times, guests believe they have only been to the hotel’s official site, when the reservation in reality is third party. Don’t give just any “legitimate enough” looking website your info.

What this ultimately means is that you don’t know who is receiving your credit card data. A few weeks after leaving your card number willy nilly, you see charges for 450 gallons of squirrel food charged to your Visa, this may be your contender. (Not to blame the third party hotel booking sites, they don’t stoop that low, but as a result of not keeping track of your credit card number.)

Many of these sites take a pre-payment, while many hotels don’t. On multiple occasions, guests upon arrival think that they have just guaranteed a room, when they’ve already paid. Be sure you are aware of this before you make your reservation. It’s their money, and they want it NOW!

Cancellation policies may differ. Especially if you have prepaid, this is very important.  The third party site may have a shorter window in which you can cancel, and you might not receive a full refund. At the hotel directly, we may be able to cancel a room within the cancellation window.

The hotels cannot vouch for the customer service you may or may not receive through these sites. We are not the same entity. If they make mistakes on their end, which they do time and time again, we have to fix it, even if it can’t be repaired. We have taken the brunt for mistakes that were out of our hands, even whilst secretly cursing the Roaming Gnome.

Information on third party sites may not be accurate or up to date. You don’t want to book a room and show up with your fluff ball Princess Fifi, only to find out she isn’t allowed! The hotels aren’t always responsible for maintaining information on these sites. I’ve had people yell at me because the “official website” says there is a pool outside, when we never had said swimming hole. If you have any questions about anything that is vital to your stay, please call the hotel directly. Ask the person you speak to if they work on site at the hotel.

The rates might be the same as the hotel’s posted rates! This means going through all the effort to pay the same rate, or even sometimes more once service charges are incorporated. Only some sites offer discounts for club memberships such as AAA or AARP, or military and travel agents.

Do your homework before booking anything. Just because it’s a “discount site” doesn’t mean the hotel offers discounted rates to them. Call the hotel directly or visit their official website to determine base price to research around. Find out service charges, taxes, parking, valet, and anything that may contribute to your total bill. Ask what types of discounts are offered.

Once this information is established, if you see the rates are lower on the third party sites then you can book accordingly. If you’re lucky, hotels may even price match that rate. Some discount sites really do offer hotels deals. Some hotels may not offer a low rate to the sites, as they regardless earn only a percentage of what you pay.

Well guests, we hope that you may have picked up a gem of knowledge here today. With that our lesson concludes.

Sincerely,

Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk

Meteorology 101

Dear Hotel Guests,

I am a desk clerk. While I may have a degree, it is not in meteorology. I can look up the weather online, or watch the weather and relay what I have learned to you. I can tell you weather trends from past experiences. I can tell you what the weather is doing right here at this very moment.

I cannot however predict the weather. I cannot predict it for later on tonight, for tomorrow, or for your vacation in July. I cannot predict if it will be safe for you to drive here in two weeks. I cannot predict if you’ll need a parka or a bathing suit. I cannot tell you the current weather in a hotel kind of like ours 1,000 miles from here.

I hope this helps.

Sincerely,

Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk

Pop Quiz on Common Courtesy

Dear Hotel Guests,

After borrowing a friend’s truck, do you:

a)      Return the vehicle to its owner ,

b)      Leave it in your driveway and wait for friend to pick it up.

When borrowing a library book, do you:

a)      Return it to the library once completed,

b)      Put it on your shelf and wait for library to retrieve it.

When borrowing a luggage cart at a hotel, do you:

a)      Return it to where you found it once through with it,

b)      Stick it in hall next to your room and wait for fellow guest or employee to return it to where it belongs.

If you answered “b” to any of these questions you should:

a)      Try to be slightly more considerate of others,

b)      Perhaps stay at a full service hotel, or not here.

That concludes our lesson for today. Any questions, we’ll be glad to help you.

Sincerely,

Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk

Is there a discount for not being a member of a discount club?

Dear Hotel Guests,

We offer discounted rates to certain membership clubs and other groups, like AAA and AARP. Please do not book these rates if you are not a member.

If you book a Government rate “because it’s the cheapest” and then show up with your spouse and children, we will not give you that rate. Especially when you claim that “it doesn’t say I have to be a government employee,” and you are unable to provide documentation that you are actually there for government work.

If you book an AARP rate, because your great grandma has AARP, but you look barely old enough to legally buy cigarettes, we will not give you that rate. Unless gram is there to check you into the room, you’re going to have to shell out an extra nine dollars.

We don’t give out discounted rates just for fun. Please be able to show us you are a current member of said groups. If your AAA card expired 14 years ago, please don’t plan on a discount.

Sincerely,

Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk

Landlines have superior reception to cell phones

Dear Hotel Guests

When calling the hotel and having difficulty hearing me, I would tend to believe that the television you have turned on in the background at full volume just may the culprit. The ruckus is probably not caused by the professional grade switchboard on which I answered your call.

Sincerely,

Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk

Hot, Chlorinated Water Not Suitable for Eye Contact

It is inadvisable to open your eyes underwater while in the hot tub. This is fairly normal, seeing as most people would not want to expose their eyes to 104 degree water, regardless of chlorine content.

If you do decide to open your eyes in a highly chlorinated, public hot tub, then expect your eyes to sting. They may even sting if you do this in the pool. This is not due to elevated chlorine levels. There is a rich tapestry of contributors causing this “strange” stinging you are experiencing.

The levels may be slightly higher than your pool at home, but well within standards. Take this into consideration, in addition to the reason the levels are elevated. Think of all the people swimming in there, tiny children urinating, sweaty people relaxing after a work out. Now aren’t you glad you exposed your eyeballs to this?

Sincerely,

Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk

New and Improved Babysitter's Club

Dear Hotel Guests,

If your child is too much of a handful for you, then please consider hiring a sitter during your vacation. Leaving your child to wander aimlessly throughout the hotel is not recommended, especially when said child has a creepy fascination with serial killers from movies.

When this child asks for scissors and I deny the request, and child becomes very angry, my decision in denying the scissors is quite vindicated. Same is to be said for when I deny the child a glass bottled beverage to “throw at mom” because “it would be fun,” and child becomes quite displeased.

Perhaps if parents watched child, or had someone in line to actively watch child, (not the Desk Clerk) child would not want do engage in dangerous activities that could result in a murdering rampage throughout an innocent hotel.

Just a thought. But I don’t have kids, so maybe there is something I’m missing.

Sincerely,

Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk

You too!

Dear Hotel Guests,

Desk Clerk: "Enjoy your stay!"
Guest: "You too!"

I'm sure we've all done it, but I still get a kick out of it happening on a weekly basis. Many people stress that they said it, and become embarrassed, but it doesn't bother me. Gives me a chuckle, and when it comes down to it, I guess we all just want to return well wishes from others.

Sincerely,
Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk