Checked out of sanity!

Dear Hotel Guests,

Please don’t be alarmed if you check out of your room, come back hours later, and find your room has already been cleaned and prepared for the next guest. This is normal, it means the housekeepers are doing a stellar job.

Don’t be appalled that housekeeping “took the tip and everything”. Tip-ically, once the room is empty and you have left the hotel, the unfortunate soul who has to clean up after your sorry self takes your offering as a consolation prize for a job well done.

Once you “check out” your reservation has ended, and any ownership you may have felt towards the room is forfeited. Just because we have an official designated time of departure, doesn’t mean you can come and go as you please after checking out at front desk. If this is your desire, wait until you are done to check out.

We appreciate your understanding.

Sincerely,

Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk

Splish splash, I was taking my time!

Dear Hotel Guests,

The pool closes at a specific time. This time is communicated when you check in, in all of our collateral, and in the pool room itself. The clock is even set five minutes fast in there to ensure the pool is vacant at closing time.

If you choose to repeatedly disregard all of these notices, and inform me that you planned on using said pool until I came in to lock it up whilst a giggle, even though you knew it closed ten minutes prior, then please, for the love of sanity, pick up the pace in exiting the pool.

This isn’t the time for changing outfits, doing manicures, soaking for just a couple extra minutes. It is time to leave. You have a hotel room in which you can do all those things, and more! I don’t really like standing around in a 90 degree, humid room, while in full front desk uniform, waiting ten minutes for your toesies to dry so I can shut off the lights.

Thanks for your consideration, and upon exit, be extra careful, as the floor is in fact slippery. You just splash on out of here, mmkay?

Sincerely,

Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk

A gold medal in the hotel obstacle course.

Dear Hotel Guests,

When waiting for the elevator, and you see someone trying to exit said elevator with a large item, such as a folding bed or a luggage cart, it is normal practice to move out of the path of the doors.

Sometimes obstacle courses are fun, but not when you could get a bad score for “accidentally” running over one of the hindrances. As much as we would like to, it is unfortunately frowned upon. Thank you for understanding.

Sincerely,

Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk

Oh poop.

Dear Hotel Guests,

If you are old enough to sit in the hot tub, you should be old enough to know that you don’t POOP in the hot tub.

We have provided multiple toilets in the pool area, and throughout the hotel for your pooping pleasure. Please use those next time. You even have your very own toilet, in your room.

Sincerely,

Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk

Elevated blood pressure is more like it

Dear Hotel Guests,

I understand you want to be close to the elevator. Segways weren’t the hit everyone thought they would be, so walking thirty feet from the lifts to get to your room is a lot to ask. That’s why when you have this preference set on your profile, and you call to make sure we know you’re lazy and don’t like having to move yourself significant distances, and then check again upon arrival for good measure, we make sure your room is actually very near the elevator.

We are great and hospitable and attentive to your needs! We did what you wanted, to a tee! Please hold your applause; I know you’ll give us a standing ovation.

Alas, never the case. You hear the elevator dinging all night! You witness people pit patting down the hall! It is far too close, and you demand a room change to ensure you receive plenty of beauty sleep.

Sigh. I didn’t realize you wanted to be near the elevator, but not too near! Forgive me, beloved patron, for I once again failed at the fine art of mind reading.

Sincerely,

Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk

If your toilet's running, you'd better catch it!

Dear Hotel Guests,

I understand that it is most unfortunate that your toilet ran all night. I would be displeased also, especially paying good money for said toilet, or at least the room in which it resides. However, how, pray tell, do you expect us to fix it if you do not tell us until you check out in the morning?

It kept you up all night? I really am sorry to hear that, but had you been at home, what would you have done? Do you really want to let some crappy (heh heh) inanimate object disturb your sleep?

If you didn’t want to hear it, and didn’t want to tell anyone else so they could fix it, why not shut it off? It works just the same as your home toilet, and I guarantee had you been sleeping in your own bed you would have turned if off, and dealt with it in the morning. Depending on your desperation, you may have even called a plumber to pay exorbitant night hour fees.

It is not your fault the toilet was running. I do not blame you at all. Had we known of the problem prior to your arrival, we would have fixed it in advance. We can’t fix something we don’t know is broken. The only thing I blame you for is your poor sleep. That was preventable. Better luck next time and happy flushings to all!

Sincerely,

Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk

The only vacancy around here is your mind.

Dear Hotel Guests,

When I tell you the entire hotel is sold out, I mean that every single room is reserved for someone who is not you. No, we don’t have a suite or just a twin bed in some corner. No I can’t just “squeeze you in.” Sold out, full, no vacancy, booked solid. No matter how many ways you ask, the fact is that there is no space available, and you can’t have a room.

Your sneaky tactics do not work either. “Have there been any cancellations?” If we did, then we wouldn’t be sold out! “Will there be any cancellations?” I’m sorry, my crystal ball is coming in fuzzy today, try again later. Using sad puppy eyes and the ever adorable and witty “Is there any room at the inn for a weary traveler” doesn’t work either.

Once I complete my architectural, carpentry, electrical and plumbing certifications, I will be sure to start installation of that extra wing, especially for you!

Sincerely,

Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk

P.S. It was a joke when I said you could sleep on the couch. Please leave now.

Isn't it ironic, don't you think?

Dear Hotel Guests,

Common courtesy should dictate that when handing another person an iron, plate first, the recipient should be warned if said iron is still hot! If my hand is being scalded, I don’t much care if it grew wings and started to fly away, let alone that it is merely leaking water.

Thank you for your consideration. Now go run with scissors.

Sincerely,

Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk

I'm not sure what book you're reading...

Dear Hotel Guests,

Check in time is three or whenever you want to arrive after that. Check out time the following day is noon at the latest. Departure is not based on “when you check in.”  If you arrive five hours after three, you do not get to leave five hours after check out time.

I know you read it in your unspecified “book” of information, but when you reserve a room, you’re reserving it for any amount of time you’d like to use it between official check out and check in times.

It sounds like what you may be looking for is a pay by the hour motel.

Sincerely,

Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk.

Have a drink on me!

Dear Hotel Guests,

Although I usually only address rogue visitors, I must point out that some of you are most spectacular. It’s just not as entertaining to read about people functioning as normal human beings. Anomalies are more interesting. Do you go to the online doctor to read about average toenail growth speeds? No. You go to read about the bulbous wart growing off your nose and to find out if whatever is oozing from it is normal.

                However, it must be noted that anomalies are not always bad. In fact, some are most excellent. And to this I would like to write about an encounter with a guest who visits multiple times during the month. Upon finding out about my upcoming vacation, the man disappeared to his room. Shortly returning, he offered me a gift, saying to have a drink on him whilst on vacation. I was surprised, and thanked him profusely. When I unfolded bill, I thought for sure it was a blunder. Afraid that perhaps his eyesight was failing.

                “I appreciate your generosity,” I said, “but I’m afraid you may have made a mistake.” He looked at me grinning, and I continued, “You said you wanted to buy me a drink, but that will buy me a few more than one!” Grabbing a cookie he answered me, still smiling, “Well you can’t have just one! You have to order a round!”

                He started to walk away, and before wishing me well on vacation said “I’m just glad I was able to do that for you.” People aren’t always so bad. And while I’m enjoying my holiday, I will know what it’s like to be on the other side. A simple gesture, to show someone you appreciate what they have done for you, makes a difference.

                And that, folks, is where I will be next week. Once I return, I’m sure I’ll be back to my usual snarky adventures, as I won’t have a weeklong getaway hovering on the horizon to get me through the days.

Bon voyage,

Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk

Waste removal person, at your service!

Dear Hotel Guests,

As awesome as it would be to speed up and down the corridors in a miniature waste removal truck, we do not offer room-side trash pickup.

You’re not at a five star hotel where poor bellhops have to stand alert making sure not a strand of carpet is out of place, who will jump in to whisk your waste away the moment your door opens. And you’re not camping out in some dimly lit dump of a motel where fresh bags of garbage would be an improvement to the decor. You selected to stay at a nice, midrange hotel, where there is the understanding that a butler is not part of the package. You’ll turn down your own bed, park your own auto, and help yourself to cookies that aren’t served on a gold platter.

So the next time you have garbagio of which to dispose, go the extra yards, and find a trash bin for your leftover shrimp scampi if it’s too odiferous for your in room waste bin. Tossing it out into the hall when no one is looking isn’t very nice and if you couldn’t handle the smell, what makes you think your neighbors want to either. Or bring it to me, I will toss it for you, or direct you to a rubbish receptacle.

                However, things might change if we ever invest in a miniature waste removal truck that I can peruse the halls in at top velocity.

Sincerely,

Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk

Slippery when wet, brain cells optional.

Dear Hotel Guests,

Thank you for informing me that the floor in the pool room is wet and slippery. This is a phenomenon of which I am entirely unfamiliar. I just don’t know how the problem of a wet floor surrounding a swimming pool went undetected for so many years. I will certainly begin installation of the flooring you would prefer as soon as you hang up the phone.

If anyone needs me, I’ll be the one in the pool room with a tool belt and jackhammer.

Sincerely,

Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk

American Association of Rabid Persons? Rude Persons?

Dear Hotel Guests,

Your AARP card expired over a year ago. Only current members are able to take advantage of discounts associated with membership.

If you have a valid card, hand it over, because the discounts are great! On the contrary, if you tell me that you are unable to provide documentation to prove you are in fact still a current member I cannot give you the discount. Makes sense to me, but apparently It is rude and unnecessary to get angry at me, because “no one anywhere has ever asked you for the card before.”

If other places have no issues with you ripping them off, that’s their prerogative. I, however, am doing my job correctly, and have no qualms about only honoring current cards. And, no, your birthday on your license isn’t sufficient. Being 65 doesn’t automatically make you a member of AARP.

I don’t make the rules. I just enforce them, one fake retiree card at a time! It’s probably best I don’t make the rules.

Sincerely,

Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk-

P.S. The little card you receive in promotional mailings from AARP that says your name on it and “Respond by June 12, 2011” does not count as a valid membership card. That would be like using the sample credit card that the send you in the mail. Not allowed.

The Perils of Booking Rooms on Third Party Sites

Dear Hotel Guests,

Today we present you with a lesson on third party reservation booking sites. Third party sites are companies like Expedia, Hotels.com, Priceline, and Hotwire. Third party sites aren’t always as benevolent as you may think. Third party sites can be a wily nemesis of a hotel.

Know what site you are actually visiting before entering any credit card information. I cannot stress this enough. These sites are often designed to look like the hotel’s official site. Dozens of times, guests believe they have only been to the hotel’s official site, when the reservation in reality is third party. Don’t give just any “legitimate enough” looking website your info.

What this ultimately means is that you don’t know who is receiving your credit card data. A few weeks after leaving your card number willy nilly, you see charges for 450 gallons of squirrel food charged to your Visa, this may be your contender. (Not to blame the third party hotel booking sites, they don’t stoop that low, but as a result of not keeping track of your credit card number.)

Many of these sites take a pre-payment, while many hotels don’t. On multiple occasions, guests upon arrival think that they have just guaranteed a room, when they’ve already paid. Be sure you are aware of this before you make your reservation. It’s their money, and they want it NOW!

Cancellation policies may differ. Especially if you have prepaid, this is very important.  The third party site may have a shorter window in which you can cancel, and you might not receive a full refund. At the hotel directly, we may be able to cancel a room within the cancellation window.

The hotels cannot vouch for the customer service you may or may not receive through these sites. We are not the same entity. If they make mistakes on their end, which they do time and time again, we have to fix it, even if it can’t be repaired. We have taken the brunt for mistakes that were out of our hands, even whilst secretly cursing the Roaming Gnome.

Information on third party sites may not be accurate or up to date. You don’t want to book a room and show up with your fluff ball Princess Fifi, only to find out she isn’t allowed! The hotels aren’t always responsible for maintaining information on these sites. I’ve had people yell at me because the “official website” says there is a pool outside, when we never had said swimming hole. If you have any questions about anything that is vital to your stay, please call the hotel directly. Ask the person you speak to if they work on site at the hotel.

The rates might be the same as the hotel’s posted rates! This means going through all the effort to pay the same rate, or even sometimes more once service charges are incorporated. Only some sites offer discounts for club memberships such as AAA or AARP, or military and travel agents.

Do your homework before booking anything. Just because it’s a “discount site” doesn’t mean the hotel offers discounted rates to them. Call the hotel directly or visit their official website to determine base price to research around. Find out service charges, taxes, parking, valet, and anything that may contribute to your total bill. Ask what types of discounts are offered.

Once this information is established, if you see the rates are lower on the third party sites then you can book accordingly. If you’re lucky, hotels may even price match that rate. Some discount sites really do offer hotels deals. Some hotels may not offer a low rate to the sites, as they regardless earn only a percentage of what you pay.

Well guests, we hope that you may have picked up a gem of knowledge here today. With that our lesson concludes.

Sincerely,

Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk

Meteorology 101

Dear Hotel Guests,

I am a desk clerk. While I may have a degree, it is not in meteorology. I can look up the weather online, or watch the weather and relay what I have learned to you. I can tell you weather trends from past experiences. I can tell you what the weather is doing right here at this very moment.

I cannot however predict the weather. I cannot predict it for later on tonight, for tomorrow, or for your vacation in July. I cannot predict if it will be safe for you to drive here in two weeks. I cannot predict if you’ll need a parka or a bathing suit. I cannot tell you the current weather in a hotel kind of like ours 1,000 miles from here.

I hope this helps.

Sincerely,

Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk