It's a lobby free for all!

Dear Hotel Guests,

This one goes out to Mr. Meatballs, the lobby squatter.

Don’t tell our breakfast hostess to stop vacuuming because you’re conducting an “important business meeting” in the breakfast area, also known as a very public area where people can come and go as they wish. If it were so important, maybe you could cough up the cash to rent the meeting room, or maybe actually stay here for once instead of helping yourself to breakfast everyday and draining all the coffee.

Oh wait, you’re a high tier member of our loyalty club. I forgot. You practically own the place. Not.

Sincerely,

Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk

Sorry the rate bites, but if you don't like it don't stay here!

Dear Hotel Guests,

I’m sorry your room bill made you hyperventilate a little bit. I don’t decide the rates; I just sell them because it’s my job. The thing is, if you decide to stay here, give us some money and sign on the line, that basically means you’re agreeing to said rates, even if you find them to be outrageous. If you don’t like them, lower your standards a tad and go to the sketchy place down the street where you sleep tight and inevitably let the bed bugs bite.

Don’t sign anything until you fully understand the terms of the registration. I know for some of you reading the fine print may come as a challenge, if your reading skills are anything like your listening skills, but it will save you the heartache of receiving a bill twice as high as you expected. We aren’t here to crush dreams. We’re here to offer you sweet dreams. Because we’re a hotel. And the beds are comfy.

Rates are quoted per night, so if you sign in thinking the “Rate Per Night” posted is actually the “Grand total for however long I stay here” you’re going to be gravely disappointed at the end of vacation. That’s why every friendly clerk is trained to say “The rate would be XYZ per night, plus tax.”

Speaking of which, I’m sorry you are unhappy with the lodging tax. There is absolutely nothing I can do about that for you. There is literally no way for me to remove it from your bill unless you are able to spit up a tax exempt form. Take it up with the state government.

Thanks for your cooperation. You’ll have a much better time once you grasp these few simple concepts.

Sincerely,

Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk

We'll shuttle you alright.

Dear Hotel Guests,

As a preface, you come here for the same reason as thousands of other tourists. Traffic is to be expected. I cannot predict the traffic.

That being said, asking me three times if you have to call the FREE shuttle in order for it to come back to the hotel isn’t going to change my answer. As soon has the people who arranged a shuttle ride ahead of you have been safely delivered to their destination, the FREE shuttle will return to the hotel, and then it will be your turn.

I gave you a rough estimate of when the FREE shuttle would return, but I can’t account for traffic fluctuations or a long line at the gas station. Now, when you come in for the fourth time, whining that you’ve been waiting for too long, I honestly don’t feel an ounce of sympathy towards your “predicament.”

It’s one thing if you had made an appointment for it, and it ended up late. But you didn’t. You just showed up and expected it to be ready for you that very instant. The beach isn’t going anywhere.

Maybe next time you want to somewhere stat, ride your high horse instead.

Sincerely,

Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk

When you need a helping hand...

Dear Hotel Guests,

I fear that upon entering our front doors, you sometimes lose the basic ability to be a functioning member of society. It is with great concern, I wonder what you do in your own homes when you can’t just dial zero to have someone else take care of your issues.

The business center printer is out of paper? I’m more than happy to refill it once I tend to the line of people in front of me. Or if time is of the essence, simply rotate the rolling chair approximately forty five degrees, extend your arm to the stack of paper above the printer, and gently place it into said printer. You’ll be printing off your boarding pass in seconds flat! And to use the internet… I know it’s different than your home computer, just select the icon we have conveniently labeled INTERNET.

You can’t turn the TV on with the remote? I will gladly deliver a new one just as soon as I complete the reservation I’m making. But your program starts in thirty seconds? Stand up, walk the 6 feet to the TV and press the round button that reads “Power.”  I know you’ll have to get up again in five minutes when I knock on your door, and moving twice in such a small window is a lot to ask, but if you want those first five minutes, it’s a small sacrifice you’re going to have to make.

The Jacuzzi is too hot? I’m sorry to hear that the hot tub is too hot. It’s the nature of the beast. It will not burn you, nor will it boil you alive. If the temperature is too unbearable, I hate to suggest it, but perhaps people of your gentle nature should not use it. Many a person before you has survived and utterly enjoyed its heat.

I hope that the helplessness you acquire entering this hotel leaves before you get home, or you’re going to have a tough time adjusting to surviving on your own once you arrive home. Godspeed, sweet guests.

Sincerely,

Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk

That's quite a set of meatballs you have there

Dear Non-Hotel Guests,

Speaking of important happenings in hotel public spaces, the lobby and breakfast area are in fact public. To registered guests and their guests. Not to you, local Mr. Lawyer conducting a meeting with client, or random hiring manager interviewing potential employees.

The wireless internet is free too! Yeah, it’s really beautifully appointed in here, and the temperature is perfect and it’s all free! Even coffee all day! Restrooms that you don’t have to clean. Ideal, isn’t it? No. Go back to your home or job. We are not hosting your personal call center or travelling office in our lobby.

We understand every now and then loyal guests need to stop by to borrow our amenities. That’s fine. But when you come in each and everyday I think it’s really time to pay the bill for the broadband in your own home or business…

Sincerely,

Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk

P.S. If you happen to see what is obviously a staff luncheon happening in the public lobby area, no you can’t help yourself to “just a meatball or two.”  It doesn’t matter how loyal you are (to our lobby, even though you’ve never stayed here), the luncheon is for the mere peons who have to deal with people with their false sense of entitlement, like you, all day.

Shh... important business happening!

Dear Hotel Guests,

If you choose to do your important business work/meeting/nap in a public space, such as a lobby, where music plays and the television blares, please recognize that you just may have noise distractions.

Unfortunately, I can’t evict the sweet ladies playing dominoes, nor can I give the boot to the tiny children watching cartoons. And the music must continuously play, day in day out, until it is permanently drilled into all of our collective brains. The desk phone isn't going to stop ringing for the sake of your important work.

If you’re interested though, you can rent out our meeting center… if that doesn't work I'm sure you will find silence and solitude in a white padded room. Because your sanity is in question for expecting a hotel lobby to be quiet.

Sincerely,

Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk

I'm not sure what you're smoking, but the answer is no.

Dear Hotel Guests,

As a convenience to our guests, we offer limited smoking rooms. Sometimes, guests who make reservations ahead of time intentionally book these rooms, with full intention of utilizing them for their purpose. This we encourage. So when you show up on a random evening, expecting one, and they are not available, this is not my fault.

No, I cannot and will not make one of my nonsmoking rooms into a smoking room for you, thanks for asking. Nor will I make an exception just for you, and ruin a perfectly good room. It is not worth one night’s revenue, when I’ll undoubtedly have to either refund everyone who stays in that room until the stench goes away, or put it out of service.

If you then decide to whisper to your spouse that “maybe we should go outside to talk about this and someone else will be here when we come back,” maybe you should lower your voice. But what do I know; I’m just some silly desk clerk who won’t let you wreck a room. Let me know how that devious plan pans out, will you?

Sincerely,

Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk

If you know so much, why don't you stand here?

Dear Hotel Guests,

We’re glad you choose to stay with us when your company sends you away on travel multiple days each month. We understand that being away from home more than not is rough, and that this really is your home away from home. This dedication makes you one of our elite guests, and for that we are eternally grateful!

What this does not make you is “more informed” on the hotel policies than I am. Your mischievous giggle indicates you think you are making a hilarious joke. However, when we are not even discussing anything to do with “hotel policy” and you just drop that in, I get the feeling you aren’t actually joking.

Unless you indicate in any way that you also work for my hotel, (which you don’t, because you’d be too busy actually working in a hotel to gain elite membership at the hotel,) then don’t tell me you know how to do my job better than me.

And if you do, in fact, know how to perform my job better than I do, why, pray tell, are you coming to me with questions that even the new hires would know?  

Once again, we appreciate your loyalty!

Sincerely,

Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk

Your future is looking a little inky.

Dear Hotel Guests,

I know this may come as a surprise to you, but the ink level in your printer does not, in any way, impact an online reservation being fulfilled. Knowing this gem can save you the embarrassment of making a phone call such as the following:

Guest: “Hello, I wanted to check to see if my reservation went through.”

Me: “Certainly, let me look that up for you.”

Guest: “You see, I made the reservation online, but I’m not sure if it went through or not. I have no ink in my printer, so I don’t think it worked.”

Me: “…. To the best of my knowledge, ma’am, there is no correlation between printer ink levels and whether an online reservation processed.

Thank you 2013, I’m thinking we have a promising year of tales ahead.

Cheers,

Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk

Babysitters Club: Hotel Edition

Dear Hotel Guests,

Welcome to the hotel! Hope you enjoy your stay. Now that you’re all settled in, it seems time to become inebriated and leave the kids to fend for their selves! When staying with us, you can trust a toddler to pour his own steaming mug of hot coffee, and swim unattended, without floaties.

Children, are you thirsty? Since mom and dad are preoccupied with their own frothy beverages, why not drink 14 refreshing packets of cocoa mixed with non-dairy creamers! Run amuck up and down the halls screeching and beating on doors. Trashcans are just a novelty here, because why walk over to the trash bin when there is an entire pristine floor to toss empty wrappers!

Parents, sleep tight knowing your little darlings will be up all night from devouring handfuls of cookies, and from the nightmares they will endure upon discovering the horror that their sweet treats are entirely gone. No need to worry about entertaining your lil rascals during their all-nighters, because their brand new iPads step in, right where you stepped out.

It seems you thought this was the daycare. But alas, what am I to do? If I ask your sweet child if she needs assistance in helping herself to the cabinets, she will likely run to tell you what a mean witch I am, even though I just didn’t want her to end up with pinched fingers.

Sincerely,

Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk

We're here to ruin your stay.

Dear Hotel Guests,

If you have such terrible experiences every time you come here, which is apparently every month, (although I don’t recognize you at all) ,why do you keep returning?  

If I stayed at a hotel and had a lousy time, and felt the need to give it a second chance, and repeatedly had a bad stay, I wouldn’t come back a third time. Let alone fourth, fifth, twentieth. Repeated stays usually indicate satisfaction.

But I suppose if you walk in knowing you can say anything you want to get your money back, a free room is always a nice one.

Sincerely,

Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk

Please find other accommodations.

Dear Hotel Guests,

To not eat a cookie because you do not like the ethnicity of the person to have one before you is disgusting. Not that person. You. And to openly express it to the clerk, instead of keeping your nasty thoughts to yourself is a waste of your breath. You’re not funny.

Shame I couldn’t have turned you away. I’m glad you didn’t enjoy a cookie because of your prejudice. I hope you miss out on many enjoyable things because of your own bigotry.

Sincerely,

Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk

P.S. Don’t be mislead that this is a common occurrence for me, thankfully it is not. But the fact it happened at all is most disturbing and must be addressed.

Front Desk now equipped with parallel bars!

Dear Hotel Guests,

If you are standing in front of the desk while conversing with your coworker/spouse/friend/stranger etc, please move the interaction elsewhere when you see another guest attempting check-in. We have a lovely lounge area, sofas, chairs and all sorts of things mere feet away from you, which would still allow for a lovely, even perhaps improved upon, conversation.

Even if you are certain the person is a main performer in Cirque De Soleil, your fellow guest should not have to perform acrobatics just to sign the registration because of your lack of consideration.

Sincerely,

Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk

Breaking news: Worldwide cookie shortage reported!

Dear Hotel Guests,

Please note that cookies are not going to become extinct.

Unless you keep eating them with that mindset.

Sincerely,

Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk

Don't mind me, I'm not saying anything important anyway.

Dear Hotel Guests,

I would like to commend you on your listening skills. They are some of the finest I have encountered.

Guest: “Hello, how much is a room with the senior discount?”

Me: “The senior rate would be 99.00”

Guest: “Is that the senior rate?”

Your eye contact is amazing, and can truly convince the person you are conversing with that you really are paying attention.

Guest: “How tall is this building, anyway?”

Me: “The building is three levels. Would you like a second or third floor room?”

Guest: “Oh, the fifth floor would be great, thank you!”

Sometimes, guests even want to impress you and others by indicating that they really did pay attention.

Guest: “At what time does breakfast end?”

Me: “The free breakfast will be closing at 10am.”

Guest, to companion: “Cool! They said breakfast is all day and is added to the bill!”

Looks like with your impressive skills, they allowed you to skip those lessons in elementary school. Congratulations, let me go find my gold stars, because you earned it!

Sincerely,

Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk