Internot Service

Dear Hotel Guests,

I understand that you did stay here once before, a year ago. I agree, that undoubtedly makes you a world class expert on connecting to the wireless internet we offer, and that you should definitely put that knowledge to use.

Please disregard the simple, guided, set of instructions that I gave you, and carry on with the method you are using. You're right, I must have no idea about what I am talking, because the log in screen that I described is entirely fictional. And apparently, so is your brain.

Sincerely,
Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk

The Symptoms of Deskclerkitis

Dear Hotel Guests,

Since lists are all the rage on the internet, I've decided to grace you with one, in the event reading paragraphs has become too much work and you haven’t hired a robot to do that task for you yet. There will be no pictures, so try to bear with me.

Seven Signs I May Have Deskclerkitis (n. a disease caused by working too long as a desk clerk, where the job infiltrates the brain, rendering the victim wacky.)

1.      I look at the time sometimes, and immediately think of the room type associated with that particular number. It’s 3:43 in the afternoon? That means it’s king smoking suite o’clock. Disturbing, I know.
2.      I enter the back office unlock code into the number pad to unlock the door at home. Sometimes more than once.
3.      I hear phones ringing when they aren’t. I’ve come running out of the back office to answer nonexistent calls, and on really terrible nights, when I lay in bed, their ghostly sounds echo through my head.
4.      When my personal phone actually rings, I have to consciously not answer “Good morning and thank you for calling the hotel. This is Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk speaking, how may I assist you?” Sometimes if I’m feeling particularly frisky, I actually will answer “Thank you for calling my phone, this is me speaking, how may I assist you,” much to the chagrin of those around me and those on the other end of the phone.
5.      Nine times out of ten, when I am filling out forms online, unrelated to work, I enter the postal code for work instead of my own.
6.      Incidentally, I sometimes wonder if I have missed out on opportunities because I accidentally gave someone the work phone number or entered it in as my own on an application or contest form.
7.      I think I have sat in a bar in my work uniform just as many times, if not more, than I have while dressed appropriately for such a setting. The bartenders and other patrons undoubtedly wonder from which red carpet I strolled. Or they think I stole the curtains from the retirement home and formed them into clothing. One or the other.

I’m sure this list could go on and on. I mean just the fact that I had this list in my head in the first place is probably a major red flag. But that aside, on with the day. Thank goodness it is Friday, because I have a real weekend off ahead. Hallelujah.

Sincerely,

Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk

Indecisiveness is the Nice Way to Put It

Dear Hotel Guests,

When you call seeking a rate quote, please have, at minimum, a date range in mind. A week, a month, and if you can’t narrow it down to that, even a season would also assist us in providing you with the most accurate estimate. A room “oh, anytime really,” can vary by literally hundreds of dollars.

If you can’t figure out the month, season, or even year you want to be here, maybe tell me why you want to come and I can use my fabled psychic abilities to help you determine the most appropriate time for your visit. 

You want to visit so you can complain that your favorite restaurant that you traveled here to eat at is closed? Must be January. Watch the leaves change color and fall off the trees and bemoan the nip in the air? Autumn will do you just fine. You want to lounge on the beach in 80 degree weather,  but not have to deal with traffic all while paying hostel prices? I believe the month you want is called Imagin-ary. 

 And when the moment comes when you decide to bite the bullet and make an actual real life reservation, for an actual date in the future, for the sake of my sanity, please provide me with said date. 

We appreciate your patience and understanding as we try to be patient and understanding with you, when it seems you can’t even understand what you actually want.

Sincerely,

Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk

This Blows

Dear Hotel Guests,

While I can't be entirely sure, as I wasn't there during the night when you heard it, I am fairly certain the "whooshing" noise you describe is the wind. I, too, heard the wind last night at my home while trying to sleep.  

This natural phenomenon happens when air is impacted by changes in air pressure, resulting in the air moving at rapid speeds around these areas of high and low pressure. In many cases, side effects of wind include knocking trashcans over, stirring up fallen leaves, and in rare scenarios causing loud "whooshing" noises.

While there are no cures for wind, some people recognize that nature is out of the control of the hotel clerk, and carry on peacfully coexisting with the air. However, unfortunately for some folks, it results in extended spans of negative attitudes and sleep upset. It is with this in mind, we offer a complimentary coffee station for all your caffiene needs.

Let me divert your attention a moment to the trees and decorative grasses growing out front of the hotel. Note their constant motion, and that both, while normally upright, are pushed over by an invisible force. This invisible force is the wind.

This concludes our lesson for today. Enjoy your stay, and here are some complimentary earplugs in the event the wind is incessant.

Sincerely,
Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk

 

It's raining cats and dogs and crazies

Dear Hotel Guests,

You're on the road, and may not have had space in the suitcase for rain gear. Entirely understandable, especially with airline baggage limitations. It is with this sentiment that we offer convenient compact courtesy umbrellas to keep you dry when the sky goes awry.

My apologies if said umbrella is unsuitable. Too small, doesn't fold the way you like and the color is wrong you say? Let me direct you to the nearest store for all your foul weather needs.

That's not going to work? Because you want the one you saw leaning against the wall in the back office? If it were available for me to lend, I would offer it. However one of your fellow travelers thought ahead and brought it, and asked me to hold onto it while it dries. I can't give it away.

Let me call the rain gods and see if there is anything I can do about the weather.

Sincerely,
Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk

Five minus two is seventeen?

Dear Hotel Guests,

Unless I give you some indication that I am unable to calculate math in its most basic form, which I have not, it is unnecessary to tell me how much change I need to give you when you make a small drink or snack purchase.

Although I do deal with many guests on a daily basis who may be inept in such concepts, luckily it’s not contagious.

Sincerely,

Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk

It's a lobby free for all!

Dear Hotel Guests,

This one goes out to Mr. Meatballs, the lobby squatter.

Don’t tell our breakfast hostess to stop vacuuming because you’re conducting an “important business meeting” in the breakfast area, also known as a very public area where people can come and go as they wish. If it were so important, maybe you could cough up the cash to rent the meeting room, or maybe actually stay here for once instead of helping yourself to breakfast everyday and draining all the coffee.

Oh wait, you’re a high tier member of our loyalty club. I forgot. You practically own the place. Not.

Sincerely,

Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk

Sorry the rate bites, but if you don't like it don't stay here!

Dear Hotel Guests,

I’m sorry your room bill made you hyperventilate a little bit. I don’t decide the rates; I just sell them because it’s my job. The thing is, if you decide to stay here, give us some money and sign on the line, that basically means you’re agreeing to said rates, even if you find them to be outrageous. If you don’t like them, lower your standards a tad and go to the sketchy place down the street where you sleep tight and inevitably let the bed bugs bite.

Don’t sign anything until you fully understand the terms of the registration. I know for some of you reading the fine print may come as a challenge, if your reading skills are anything like your listening skills, but it will save you the heartache of receiving a bill twice as high as you expected. We aren’t here to crush dreams. We’re here to offer you sweet dreams. Because we’re a hotel. And the beds are comfy.

Rates are quoted per night, so if you sign in thinking the “Rate Per Night” posted is actually the “Grand total for however long I stay here” you’re going to be gravely disappointed at the end of vacation. That’s why every friendly clerk is trained to say “The rate would be XYZ per night, plus tax.”

Speaking of which, I’m sorry you are unhappy with the lodging tax. There is absolutely nothing I can do about that for you. There is literally no way for me to remove it from your bill unless you are able to spit up a tax exempt form. Take it up with the state government.

Thanks for your cooperation. You’ll have a much better time once you grasp these few simple concepts.

Sincerely,

Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk

We'll shuttle you alright.

Dear Hotel Guests,

As a preface, you come here for the same reason as thousands of other tourists. Traffic is to be expected. I cannot predict the traffic.

That being said, asking me three times if you have to call the FREE shuttle in order for it to come back to the hotel isn’t going to change my answer. As soon has the people who arranged a shuttle ride ahead of you have been safely delivered to their destination, the FREE shuttle will return to the hotel, and then it will be your turn.

I gave you a rough estimate of when the FREE shuttle would return, but I can’t account for traffic fluctuations or a long line at the gas station. Now, when you come in for the fourth time, whining that you’ve been waiting for too long, I honestly don’t feel an ounce of sympathy towards your “predicament.”

It’s one thing if you had made an appointment for it, and it ended up late. But you didn’t. You just showed up and expected it to be ready for you that very instant. The beach isn’t going anywhere.

Maybe next time you want to somewhere stat, ride your high horse instead.

Sincerely,

Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk

When you need a helping hand...

Dear Hotel Guests,

I fear that upon entering our front doors, you sometimes lose the basic ability to be a functioning member of society. It is with great concern, I wonder what you do in your own homes when you can’t just dial zero to have someone else take care of your issues.

The business center printer is out of paper? I’m more than happy to refill it once I tend to the line of people in front of me. Or if time is of the essence, simply rotate the rolling chair approximately forty five degrees, extend your arm to the stack of paper above the printer, and gently place it into said printer. You’ll be printing off your boarding pass in seconds flat! And to use the internet… I know it’s different than your home computer, just select the icon we have conveniently labeled INTERNET.

You can’t turn the TV on with the remote? I will gladly deliver a new one just as soon as I complete the reservation I’m making. But your program starts in thirty seconds? Stand up, walk the 6 feet to the TV and press the round button that reads “Power.”  I know you’ll have to get up again in five minutes when I knock on your door, and moving twice in such a small window is a lot to ask, but if you want those first five minutes, it’s a small sacrifice you’re going to have to make.

The Jacuzzi is too hot? I’m sorry to hear that the hot tub is too hot. It’s the nature of the beast. It will not burn you, nor will it boil you alive. If the temperature is too unbearable, I hate to suggest it, but perhaps people of your gentle nature should not use it. Many a person before you has survived and utterly enjoyed its heat.

I hope that the helplessness you acquire entering this hotel leaves before you get home, or you’re going to have a tough time adjusting to surviving on your own once you arrive home. Godspeed, sweet guests.

Sincerely,

Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk

That's quite a set of meatballs you have there

Dear Non-Hotel Guests,

Speaking of important happenings in hotel public spaces, the lobby and breakfast area are in fact public. To registered guests and their guests. Not to you, local Mr. Lawyer conducting a meeting with client, or random hiring manager interviewing potential employees.

The wireless internet is free too! Yeah, it’s really beautifully appointed in here, and the temperature is perfect and it’s all free! Even coffee all day! Restrooms that you don’t have to clean. Ideal, isn’t it? No. Go back to your home or job. We are not hosting your personal call center or travelling office in our lobby.

We understand every now and then loyal guests need to stop by to borrow our amenities. That’s fine. But when you come in each and everyday I think it’s really time to pay the bill for the broadband in your own home or business…

Sincerely,

Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk

P.S. If you happen to see what is obviously a staff luncheon happening in the public lobby area, no you can’t help yourself to “just a meatball or two.”  It doesn’t matter how loyal you are (to our lobby, even though you’ve never stayed here), the luncheon is for the mere peons who have to deal with people with their false sense of entitlement, like you, all day.

Shh... important business happening!

Dear Hotel Guests,

If you choose to do your important business work/meeting/nap in a public space, such as a lobby, where music plays and the television blares, please recognize that you just may have noise distractions.

Unfortunately, I can’t evict the sweet ladies playing dominoes, nor can I give the boot to the tiny children watching cartoons. And the music must continuously play, day in day out, until it is permanently drilled into all of our collective brains. The desk phone isn't going to stop ringing for the sake of your important work.

If you’re interested though, you can rent out our meeting center… if that doesn't work I'm sure you will find silence and solitude in a white padded room. Because your sanity is in question for expecting a hotel lobby to be quiet.

Sincerely,

Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk

I'm not sure what you're smoking, but the answer is no.

Dear Hotel Guests,

As a convenience to our guests, we offer limited smoking rooms. Sometimes, guests who make reservations ahead of time intentionally book these rooms, with full intention of utilizing them for their purpose. This we encourage. So when you show up on a random evening, expecting one, and they are not available, this is not my fault.

No, I cannot and will not make one of my nonsmoking rooms into a smoking room for you, thanks for asking. Nor will I make an exception just for you, and ruin a perfectly good room. It is not worth one night’s revenue, when I’ll undoubtedly have to either refund everyone who stays in that room until the stench goes away, or put it out of service.

If you then decide to whisper to your spouse that “maybe we should go outside to talk about this and someone else will be here when we come back,” maybe you should lower your voice. But what do I know; I’m just some silly desk clerk who won’t let you wreck a room. Let me know how that devious plan pans out, will you?

Sincerely,

Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk

If you know so much, why don't you stand here?

Dear Hotel Guests,

We’re glad you choose to stay with us when your company sends you away on travel multiple days each month. We understand that being away from home more than not is rough, and that this really is your home away from home. This dedication makes you one of our elite guests, and for that we are eternally grateful!

What this does not make you is “more informed” on the hotel policies than I am. Your mischievous giggle indicates you think you are making a hilarious joke. However, when we are not even discussing anything to do with “hotel policy” and you just drop that in, I get the feeling you aren’t actually joking.

Unless you indicate in any way that you also work for my hotel, (which you don’t, because you’d be too busy actually working in a hotel to gain elite membership at the hotel,) then don’t tell me you know how to do my job better than me.

And if you do, in fact, know how to perform my job better than I do, why, pray tell, are you coming to me with questions that even the new hires would know?  

Once again, we appreciate your loyalty!

Sincerely,

Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk

Your future is looking a little inky.

Dear Hotel Guests,

I know this may come as a surprise to you, but the ink level in your printer does not, in any way, impact an online reservation being fulfilled. Knowing this gem can save you the embarrassment of making a phone call such as the following:

Guest: “Hello, I wanted to check to see if my reservation went through.”

Me: “Certainly, let me look that up for you.”

Guest: “You see, I made the reservation online, but I’m not sure if it went through or not. I have no ink in my printer, so I don’t think it worked.”

Me: “…. To the best of my knowledge, ma’am, there is no correlation between printer ink levels and whether an online reservation processed.

Thank you 2013, I’m thinking we have a promising year of tales ahead.

Cheers,

Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk