The only vacancy around here is your mind.

Dear Hotel Guests,

When I tell you the entire hotel is sold out, I mean that every single room is reserved for someone who is not you. No, we don’t have a suite or just a twin bed in some corner. No I can’t just “squeeze you in.” Sold out, full, no vacancy, booked solid. No matter how many ways you ask, the fact is that there is no space available, and you can’t have a room.

Your sneaky tactics do not work either. “Have there been any cancellations?” If we did, then we wouldn’t be sold out! “Will there be any cancellations?” I’m sorry, my crystal ball is coming in fuzzy today, try again later. Using sad puppy eyes and the ever adorable and witty “Is there any room at the inn for a weary traveler” doesn’t work either.

Once I complete my architectural, carpentry, electrical and plumbing certifications, I will be sure to start installation of that extra wing, especially for you!

Sincerely,

Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk

P.S. It was a joke when I said you could sleep on the couch. Please leave now.

Isn't it ironic, don't you think?

Dear Hotel Guests,

Common courtesy should dictate that when handing another person an iron, plate first, the recipient should be warned if said iron is still hot! If my hand is being scalded, I don’t much care if it grew wings and started to fly away, let alone that it is merely leaking water.

Thank you for your consideration. Now go run with scissors.

Sincerely,

Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk

I'm not sure what book you're reading...

Dear Hotel Guests,

Check in time is three or whenever you want to arrive after that. Check out time the following day is noon at the latest. Departure is not based on “when you check in.”  If you arrive five hours after three, you do not get to leave five hours after check out time.

I know you read it in your unspecified “book” of information, but when you reserve a room, you’re reserving it for any amount of time you’d like to use it between official check out and check in times.

It sounds like what you may be looking for is a pay by the hour motel.

Sincerely,

Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk.