Dear Hotel Guests,
I think you’ve reached a new level of lazy when you pay $40 extra to upgrade to a room that’s available on the first floor, not because of a handicap, not because you are old and frail, but because you don’t want to bring your luggage to the second floor.
A couple things. I’m not sure about you, but whilst driving here I passed automobiles on the streets, not covered wagons. Most modern, multi floor, chain hotels have elevators. Also, even if you have 14 suitcases for your two-night stay, we have luggage carts that you can load all your belongings onto and make it simple enough that a toddler could steer one of those suckers into your room.
Both those alternatives are free. Both alternatives do not set you back forty dollars for self admitted laziness. But I can totally understand wanting to pay to save yourself from luggage moving that totals probably seven minutes during your stay. Perhaps you've been extra good this year, and have plans of Santy Claus overwhelming you with gifts tonight. That would explain it.
Happy Christmas,
Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Friday, December 23, 2011
Just Days Before Christmas
Dear Hotel Guests,
In light of the Christmas season, and the fact that in the past four days it's been so deserted around the hotel that I've probably seen six of you total, I will share with you some holiday magic. It’s a little thank you for the fact you've all been behaving.
Here it is:
'Twas just days before Christmas, when all through the mall
Not a store clerk was resting and shoppers had not a moment to stall.
The children were screeching and running amiss,
While vodka and gin was their parents only wish.
The hookers in mini shorts clacked through the hall,
While their heels made them all six inches too tall.
When up at the Hollister there arose such a sight-
A man with no shirt and abs quite tight.
His skin how it glistened, his tan so fake,
I looked to make sure what I saw was no mistake.
I ran from the building, for something was the matter,
The mall made me feel like the crazy Mad Hatter!
The crowds and the noise let me reiterate my plan:
Shopping online is something of which I’m a huge fan!
That's my story folks. I went to the mall once this season, and that was one too many times. It drove me to poetry... that's saying something.
Sincerely,
Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk
In light of the Christmas season, and the fact that in the past four days it's been so deserted around the hotel that I've probably seen six of you total, I will share with you some holiday magic. It’s a little thank you for the fact you've all been behaving.
Here it is:
'Twas just days before Christmas, when all through the mall
Not a store clerk was resting and shoppers had not a moment to stall.
The children were screeching and running amiss,
While vodka and gin was their parents only wish.
The hookers in mini shorts clacked through the hall,
While their heels made them all six inches too tall.
When up at the Hollister there arose such a sight-
A man with no shirt and abs quite tight.
His skin how it glistened, his tan so fake,
I looked to make sure what I saw was no mistake.
I ran from the building, for something was the matter,
The mall made me feel like the crazy Mad Hatter!
The crowds and the noise let me reiterate my plan:
Shopping online is something of which I’m a huge fan!
That's my story folks. I went to the mall once this season, and that was one too many times. It drove me to poetry... that's saying something.
Sincerely,
Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk
Saturday, December 17, 2011
If pizza can be a veggie, it can be legal tender I say.
Dear Hotel Guests,
Easiest trade ever, "Hi, can we trade you a slice of pizza for a couple of paper plates and forks?" Not the most even trade I've ever heard of, but I'm in, no questions asked.
If we didn't always upgrade you already, we would not forget you the next time. Favoritism? Perhaps it is, but not without warrant.
Lesson learned? Bribe the clerks. Or if you don’t want to share your pizza, which we can completely understand, just remember, as much as we wish we had omnipotent power over all the inner workings of the hotel when you have problems needing tending, many things are entirely out of our control.
We do our best. But sometimes, just sometimes, pizza will give us the power to do things that maybe we couldn’t before. Miraculous, I know. And next time we see you on the arrivals list, we'll think "That's the guy who bought me a cupcake!" or "She gave me a gift card to the coffee shop." And we'll work our magic again.
Sincerely,
Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk
Easiest trade ever, "Hi, can we trade you a slice of pizza for a couple of paper plates and forks?" Not the most even trade I've ever heard of, but I'm in, no questions asked.
If we didn't always upgrade you already, we would not forget you the next time. Favoritism? Perhaps it is, but not without warrant.
Lesson learned? Bribe the clerks. Or if you don’t want to share your pizza, which we can completely understand, just remember, as much as we wish we had omnipotent power over all the inner workings of the hotel when you have problems needing tending, many things are entirely out of our control.
We do our best. But sometimes, just sometimes, pizza will give us the power to do things that maybe we couldn’t before. Miraculous, I know. And next time we see you on the arrivals list, we'll think "That's the guy who bought me a cupcake!" or "She gave me a gift card to the coffee shop." And we'll work our magic again.
Sincerely,
Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk
Thursday, December 15, 2011
You want to check in when?!
Dear Hotel Guests,
Please arrive at or after check in time. It can be difficult check into your room six hours before that time. People could still asleep in the bed you’ll be sleeping in tonight. They would not enjoy your company.
When booking a room, you've reserved it from the designated check-in time to check-out time. We will do our best to accommodate you early, if anything is available. It’s best practice to give us a jingle to check on early availability.
Sometimes, we have a room ready early, but it’s not the type you had booked. If you want to check in at nine in the morning, and we offer you a different room type as an early check-in alternative, it is your choice to take it or wait until check in time for your super king sized bed with 12 pillows.
Sincerely,
Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk
Please arrive at or after check in time. It can be difficult check into your room six hours before that time. People could still asleep in the bed you’ll be sleeping in tonight. They would not enjoy your company.
When booking a room, you've reserved it from the designated check-in time to check-out time. We will do our best to accommodate you early, if anything is available. It’s best practice to give us a jingle to check on early availability.
Sometimes, we have a room ready early, but it’s not the type you had booked. If you want to check in at nine in the morning, and we offer you a different room type as an early check-in alternative, it is your choice to take it or wait until check in time for your super king sized bed with 12 pillows.
Sincerely,
Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Do Not Disturb the Disturbed
Dear Hotel Guests,
If you want your room serviced during your stay, please don't leave your "Do Not Disturb" sign on the door. By chance you forget, just let us know, and we can refresh, replenish, whatever it is you may need.
Some hotels may always have someone available to service a room at ridiculous hours, but chances are if you call at 10:30 at night, you'll have an inexperienced desk clerk or houseman trying to make your bed look comfortable, but we'll do the best we can.
However, blaming us, and yelling that the housekeepers don't know how to do their jobs is entirely unnecessary. The reality is, they did exactly what the sign on the door asked of them. "But you don't knock to double check?" you say. Really? REALLY? Wouldn't that kind of defeat the purpose? Do. Not. Disturb. Pretty simple concept.
If only I could hang a similar sign when having to deal with you.
Sincerely,
Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk
If you want your room serviced during your stay, please don't leave your "Do Not Disturb" sign on the door. By chance you forget, just let us know, and we can refresh, replenish, whatever it is you may need.
Some hotels may always have someone available to service a room at ridiculous hours, but chances are if you call at 10:30 at night, you'll have an inexperienced desk clerk or houseman trying to make your bed look comfortable, but we'll do the best we can.
However, blaming us, and yelling that the housekeepers don't know how to do their jobs is entirely unnecessary. The reality is, they did exactly what the sign on the door asked of them. "But you don't knock to double check?" you say. Really? REALLY? Wouldn't that kind of defeat the purpose? Do. Not. Disturb. Pretty simple concept.
If only I could hang a similar sign when having to deal with you.
Sincerely,
Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Employees only, unless you want to fold fitted sheets all day
Dear Hotel Guests,
While you may feel at home here, and we encourage that, you must still remember you are a guest. You do not live here, nor do you work here. Therefore, the cabinets are not your kitchen cabinets. You can't just paw through them searching for whatever it is you may need.
If you need something, ask us, it's our job to help, and there's a good chance we know exactly where it is, without running our grubby little fingers across everything in its way.
Another hot tip on the topic. If the door says "employees only" and you are not an employee, which you aren't, do not attempt to enter. An employee is someone who is paid to be here, you pay to be here, the difference is quite outstanding.
If you have any questions regarding whether you are employed by the hotel and are able to access rooms that are marked "employees only," please seek assistance from someone wearing a hotel name tag. (If you're not wearing one, there's another good indication you probably are not an employee.)
Unless you want to cook your own breakfast, clean up your room and change the sheets, cabinets, locked doors, pump rooms, and behind the desk are just some of places you should not be. And if you want to do all that, stay home.
Sincerely,
Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk
While you may feel at home here, and we encourage that, you must still remember you are a guest. You do not live here, nor do you work here. Therefore, the cabinets are not your kitchen cabinets. You can't just paw through them searching for whatever it is you may need.
If you need something, ask us, it's our job to help, and there's a good chance we know exactly where it is, without running our grubby little fingers across everything in its way.
Another hot tip on the topic. If the door says "employees only" and you are not an employee, which you aren't, do not attempt to enter. An employee is someone who is paid to be here, you pay to be here, the difference is quite outstanding.
If you have any questions regarding whether you are employed by the hotel and are able to access rooms that are marked "employees only," please seek assistance from someone wearing a hotel name tag. (If you're not wearing one, there's another good indication you probably are not an employee.)
Unless you want to cook your own breakfast, clean up your room and change the sheets, cabinets, locked doors, pump rooms, and behind the desk are just some of places you should not be. And if you want to do all that, stay home.
Sincerely,
Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Calling the plumber for a clogged toilet
Dear Hotel Guests,
Say for example you are sitting at home and discover your toilet won't flush. Is your initial thought "oh no the toilet is broken," or "whoops, someone must have clogged it?" My guess is you at least attempt to remedy the problem with a plunger before running off to call a plumber.
So why, tell me, while at a hotel, you immediately come running down claiming the toilet is broken while acting disgraced? You could easily say you need a plunger, or you think it may be blocked. Clogged toilet does not equal broken toilet.
Screeching "You gave us a room with a toilet that doesn't work" is entirely unnecessary, especially when you’ve been in the room for four days so far, and have had no problems thus far.
How about not using half the roll of toilet paper in one sitting? Or if you feel inclined to use it all, seeing as you are paying for the room, maybe give a courtesy flush or two… it’s not your water bill!
Sincerely,
Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk
P.S. I’m not giving you a refund for a toilet you plugged.
Say for example you are sitting at home and discover your toilet won't flush. Is your initial thought "oh no the toilet is broken," or "whoops, someone must have clogged it?" My guess is you at least attempt to remedy the problem with a plunger before running off to call a plumber.
So why, tell me, while at a hotel, you immediately come running down claiming the toilet is broken while acting disgraced? You could easily say you need a plunger, or you think it may be blocked. Clogged toilet does not equal broken toilet.
Screeching "You gave us a room with a toilet that doesn't work" is entirely unnecessary, especially when you’ve been in the room for four days so far, and have had no problems thus far.
How about not using half the roll of toilet paper in one sitting? Or if you feel inclined to use it all, seeing as you are paying for the room, maybe give a courtesy flush or two… it’s not your water bill!
Sincerely,
Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk
P.S. I’m not giving you a refund for a toilet you plugged.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Desk Clerk Laundry Attendant
Dear Hotel Guests,
If you see me folding a pile of pool towels, while at the desk, many thanks for informing me that they need replenishing. Clearly I know this, or I wouldn't be folding them at the DESK. I don't fold towels for fun. In fact, there is absolutely not a thing fun about pool towels and your whining face.
Sincerely,
Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk
If you see me folding a pile of pool towels, while at the desk, many thanks for informing me that they need replenishing. Clearly I know this, or I wouldn't be folding them at the DESK. I don't fold towels for fun. In fact, there is absolutely not a thing fun about pool towels and your whining face.
Sincerely,
Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
You're smoking all right.
Dear Hotel Guests,
When you intentionally book a smoking room as a non smoker, be it the last room available, you are under the impression it's cheaper when it's actually not, or the only room with the bed you want, don't come whining to us that it is "too smoky." Really? That's because years worth of guests before you have been smoking in the smoking room. Not years of people twiddling their thumbs in there.
When you book a room online, it is your responsibility to make sure you chose the correct room. Again, we are not psychics, and when we see your reservation come through as smoking, we think that was a conscious decision on your part.
Sincerely,
Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk
When you intentionally book a smoking room as a non smoker, be it the last room available, you are under the impression it's cheaper when it's actually not, or the only room with the bed you want, don't come whining to us that it is "too smoky." Really? That's because years worth of guests before you have been smoking in the smoking room. Not years of people twiddling their thumbs in there.
When you book a room online, it is your responsibility to make sure you chose the correct room. Again, we are not psychics, and when we see your reservation come through as smoking, we think that was a conscious decision on your part.
Sincerely,
Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk
Saturday, November 19, 2011
2-for-1! Napkin curtain combo- get yours now!
Dear Hotel Guests,
That fabric, hanging in front of the clear glass panels which separate the outside from the inside, although conveniently placed next to your breakfast table, is called a drapery. Curtain if you prefer. Not a towel, wet-nap, or even paper towel.
But I can totally see how you confused them for a napkin.
Sincerely,
Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk
That fabric, hanging in front of the clear glass panels which separate the outside from the inside, although conveniently placed next to your breakfast table, is called a drapery. Curtain if you prefer. Not a towel, wet-nap, or even paper towel.
But I can totally see how you confused them for a napkin.
Sincerely,
Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk
Thursday, November 17, 2011
I blame your magnetic personality.
Dear Hotel Guests,
You have your life line-cellular device, I mean, in your pocket at all times, nestled comfortably next to your room key card. When your keys are repeatedly demagnetized, please don't accuse us of locking you out of your room. Oh wait, you’re right; I did intentionally lock you out so I could see the furious contortion of your face screeching at me while I re-code your key.
Cell phones, purse magnets, even credit cards can mess up your keys, and we take the blame for their failures, but 95% of the time one of those items is responsible. So blame the Angry Birds or whatever mindless game you're addicted to, it’s probably their fault.
Sincerely,
Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk
You have your life line-cellular device, I mean, in your pocket at all times, nestled comfortably next to your room key card. When your keys are repeatedly demagnetized, please don't accuse us of locking you out of your room. Oh wait, you’re right; I did intentionally lock you out so I could see the furious contortion of your face screeching at me while I re-code your key.
Cell phones, purse magnets, even credit cards can mess up your keys, and we take the blame for their failures, but 95% of the time one of those items is responsible. So blame the Angry Birds or whatever mindless game you're addicted to, it’s probably their fault.
Sincerely,
Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Real Life Cookie Monsters Now Playing On Discovery Channel
Dear Hotel Guests,
I'm glad the freshly baked cookies we put out as a snack are serving the purpose of meal replacement for you and the five spawn you're toting around.
Don't worry, none of the other guests wanted a snack, and I'm sure your spouse is most delighted to see you brought a four course meal courtesy of the the hotel lobby. Doubt anyone was in the mood for a lobster or anything.
Sincerely,
Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk
I'm glad the freshly baked cookies we put out as a snack are serving the purpose of meal replacement for you and the five spawn you're toting around.
Don't worry, none of the other guests wanted a snack, and I'm sure your spouse is most delighted to see you brought a four course meal courtesy of the the hotel lobby. Doubt anyone was in the mood for a lobster or anything.
Sincerely,
Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk
Monday, November 14, 2011
You're going to want to take 4 left turns to get there
Dear Hotel Guests,
When asking for directions to one of the most popular restaurants in town, it is best to trust my judgement when I give you simple directions such as "left from the driveway, right at the second set of lights."
"But I ate there once, three years ago," you say, "And I'm pretty sure it's only at the first light." Well, I've already directed 8 people there in the past hour, dozens in the past week, and thousands in that direction since I've been here.
Now that you mention it, though, perhaps I've been wrong all this time. Thank you for bringing it to my attention. Much obliged.
Sincerely,
Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk
When asking for directions to one of the most popular restaurants in town, it is best to trust my judgement when I give you simple directions such as "left from the driveway, right at the second set of lights."
"But I ate there once, three years ago," you say, "And I'm pretty sure it's only at the first light." Well, I've already directed 8 people there in the past hour, dozens in the past week, and thousands in that direction since I've been here.
Now that you mention it, though, perhaps I've been wrong all this time. Thank you for bringing it to my attention. Much obliged.
Sincerely,
Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk
Friday, November 11, 2011
You're not a very cool superhero wearing a towel as a cape.
Dear Hotel Guests,
Perhaps if you controlled the demon wildebeests you call children, and discouraged them from using 7 towels to dry themselves off after swimming, there would be pool towels available for other people to use.
Sincerely,
Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk
Perhaps if you controlled the demon wildebeests you call children, and discouraged them from using 7 towels to dry themselves off after swimming, there would be pool towels available for other people to use.
Sincerely,
Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Restroom facilities are limited to a 3-Holer on the back 40.
that you shouldn't be traveling. What part of worldwide, high-class hotel chain says communal commodes to you?
Sunday, October 30, 2011
I Actually Control the Power Grid
Dear Hotel Guests,
Do I know if the power is going to go out? Seriously? How pray tell, do you expect me to know this? The name tag says guest services, not resident psychic.
While we are on the subject, no, I don't know when the net or cable will be back. Looks like you're going to have entertain yourselves the old fashioned way.
Do I know if the power is going to go out? Seriously? How pray tell, do you expect me to know this? The name tag says guest services, not resident psychic.
While we are on the subject, no, I don't know when the net or cable will be back. Looks like you're going to have entertain yourselves the old fashioned way.
Sincerely,
Friendly neighborhood desk clerk
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Back office, public computer room. Same thing!
Dear Hotel Guests,
The back office looks nothing like the business center. I think the fact that it is behind the front desk, with a coded lock on the heavy wooden door should be enough of a give away.
If you either wait for me to get off the phone with another guest to assist you, or open your eyes to see the directional sign dead ahead before marching straight in, you'll save yourself a lot of embarrassment.
Sincerely,
Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk
The back office looks nothing like the business center. I think the fact that it is behind the front desk, with a coded lock on the heavy wooden door should be enough of a give away.
If you either wait for me to get off the phone with another guest to assist you, or open your eyes to see the directional sign dead ahead before marching straight in, you'll save yourself a lot of embarrassment.
Sincerely,
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Friday, April 1, 2011
The Root of All Evil... I mean Welcome!
Dear Hotel Guests,
Look what you've driven me to do! An open letter, about your bright shining faces. I used to be such a sweet, sweet thing, until you. "Used to be?" you say, "But you've been so kind." Ah, yes, kind. Number one lesson I'd like you to remember, is that, unfortunately, it's part of the job description.
So in order to keep me sane, with your wisdom filled inquiries, and delightful demands, I am writing to your fellow travelers. Simple set of guidelines to lead them through their time here. Shame though, for you I fear it's too late.
Enjoy your stay, and if you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask. There's someone at the desk at all hours.
Sincerely,
Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk
Look what you've driven me to do! An open letter, about your bright shining faces. I used to be such a sweet, sweet thing, until you. "Used to be?" you say, "But you've been so kind." Ah, yes, kind. Number one lesson I'd like you to remember, is that, unfortunately, it's part of the job description.
So in order to keep me sane, with your wisdom filled inquiries, and delightful demands, I am writing to your fellow travelers. Simple set of guidelines to lead them through their time here. Shame though, for you I fear it's too late.
Enjoy your stay, and if you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask. There's someone at the desk at all hours.
Sincerely,
Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk
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