Desk Clerk Laundry Attendant

Dear Hotel Guests,

If you see me folding a pile of pool towels, while at the desk, many thanks for informing me that they need replenishing. Clearly I know this, or I wouldn't be folding them at the DESK. I don't fold towels for fun. In fact, there is absolutely not a thing fun about pool towels and your whining face.

Sincerely,
Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk

You're smoking all right.

Dear Hotel Guests,

When you intentionally book a smoking room as a non smoker, be it the last room available, you are under the impression it's cheaper when it's actually not, or the only room with the bed you want, don't come whining to us that it is "too smoky." Really? That's because years worth of guests before you have been smoking in the smoking room. Not years of people twiddling their thumbs in there.

When you book a room online, it is your responsibility to make sure you chose the correct room. Again, we are not psychics, and when we see your reservation come through as smoking, we think that was a conscious decision on your part.

Sincerely,

Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk

2-for-1! Napkin curtain combo- get yours now!

Dear Hotel Guests,

That fabric, hanging in front of the clear glass panels which separate the outside from the inside, although conveniently placed next to your breakfast table, is called a drapery. Curtain if you prefer. Not a towel, wet-nap, or even paper towel.

But I can totally see how you confused them for a napkin.

Sincerely,

Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk

I blame your magnetic personality.

Dear Hotel Guests,

You have your life line-cellular device, I mean, in your pocket at all times, nestled comfortably next to your room key card. When your keys are repeatedly demagnetized, please don't accuse us of locking you out of your room. Oh wait, you’re right; I did intentionally lock you out so I could see the furious contortion of your face screeching at me while I re-code your key.

Cell phones, purse magnets, even credit cards can mess up your keys, and we take the blame for their failures, but 95% of the time one of those items is responsible. So blame the Angry Birds or whatever mindless game you're addicted to, it’s probably their fault.

Sincerely,

Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk

Real Life Cookie Monsters Now Playing On Discovery Channel

Dear Hotel Guests,

I'm glad the freshly baked cookies we put out as a snack are serving the purpose of meal replacement for you and the five spawn you're toting around.


Don't worry, none of the other guests wanted a snack, and I'm sure your spouse is most delighted to see you brought a four course meal courtesy of the the hotel lobby. Doubt anyone was in the mood for a lobster or anything.


Sincerely,
Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk

You're going to want to take 4 left turns to get there

Dear Hotel Guests,

When asking for directions to one of the most popular restaurants in town, it is best to trust my judgement when I give you simple directions such as "left from the driveway, right at the second set of lights."


"But I ate there once, three years ago," you say, "And I'm pretty sure it's only at the first light." Well, I've already directed 8 people there in the past hour, dozens in the past week, and thousands in that direction since I've been here.


Now that you mention it, though, perhaps I've been wrong all this time. Thank you for bringing it to my attention. Much obliged.


Sincerely,


Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk

You're not a very cool superhero wearing a towel as a cape.

Dear Hotel Guests,

Perhaps if you controlled the demon wildebeests you call children, and discouraged them from using 7 towels to dry themselves off after swimming, there would be pool towels available for other people to use.


Sincerely,


Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk

Restroom facilities are limited to a 3-Holer on the back 40.

Dear Hotel Guests,

"Hi, do your hotel rooms come with bathrooms?" If you have to ask, it's my recommendation
that you shouldn't be traveling. What part of worldwide, high-class hotel chain says communal commodes to you?
Your questions are this insightful before you even arrive here, I truly look forward to what gems you will throw my way upon your arrival.

Sincerely,

Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk