Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Internot Service

Dear Hotel Guests,

I understand that you did stay here once before, a year ago. I agree, that undoubtedly makes you a world class expert on connecting to the wireless internet we offer, and that you should definitely put that knowledge to use.

Please disregard the simple, guided, set of instructions that I gave you, and carry on with the method you are using. You're right, I must have no idea about what I am talking, because the log in screen that I described is entirely fictional. And apparently, so is your brain.

Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk

Friday, April 4, 2014

The Symptoms of Deskclerkitis

Dear Hotel Guests,

Since lists are all the rage on the internet, I've decided to grace you with one, in the event reading paragraphs has become too much work and you haven’t hired a robot to do that task for you yet. There will be no pictures, so try to bear with me.

Seven Signs I May Have Deskclerkitis (n. a disease caused by working too long as a desk clerk, where the job infiltrates the brain, rendering the victim wacky.)

1.      I look at the time sometimes, and immediately think of the room type associated with that particular number. It’s 3:43 in the afternoon? That means it’s king smoking suite o’clock. Disturbing, I know.
2.      I enter the back office unlock code into the number pad to unlock the door at home. Sometimes more than once.
3.      I hear phones ringing when they aren’t. I’ve come running out of the back office to answer nonexistent calls, and on really terrible nights, when I lay in bed, their ghostly sounds echo through my head.
4.      When my personal phone actually rings, I have to consciously not answer “Good morning and thank you for calling the hotel. This is Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk speaking, how may I assist you?” Sometimes if I’m feeling particularly frisky, I actually will answer “Thank you for calling my phone, this is me speaking, how may I assist you,” much to the chagrin of those around me and those on the other end of the phone.
5.      Nine times out of ten, when I am filling out forms online, unrelated to work, I enter the postal code for work instead of my own.
6.      Incidentally, I sometimes wonder if I have missed out on opportunities because I accidentally gave someone the work phone number or entered it in as my own on an application or contest form.
7.      I think I have sat in a bar in my work uniform just as many times, if not more, than I have while dressed appropriately for such a setting. The bartenders and other patrons undoubtedly wonder from which red carpet I strolled. Or they think I stole the curtains from the retirement home and formed them into clothing. One or the other.

I’m sure this list could go on and on. I mean just the fact that I had this list in my head in the first place is probably a major red flag. But that aside, on with the day. Thank goodness it is Friday, because I have a real weekend off ahead. Hallelujah.


Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk

Sunday, January 26, 2014

Indecisiveness is the Nice Way to Put It

Dear Hotel Guests,

When you call seeking a rate quote, please have, at minimum, a date range in mind. A week, a month, and if you can’t narrow it down to that, even a season would also assist us in providing you with the most accurate estimate. A room “oh, anytime really,” can vary by literally hundreds of dollars.

If you can’t figure out the month, season, or even year you want to be here, maybe tell me why you want to come and I can use my fabled psychic abilities to help you determine the most appropriate time for your visit. 

You want to visit so you can complain that your favorite restaurant that you traveled here to eat at is closed? Must be January. Watch the leaves change color and fall off the trees and bemoan the nip in the air? Autumn will do you just fine. You want to lounge on the beach in 80 degree weather,  but not have to deal with traffic all while paying hostel prices? I believe the month you want is called Imagin-ary. 

 And when the moment comes when you decide to bite the bullet and make an actual real life reservation, for an actual date in the future, for the sake of my sanity, please provide me with said date. 

We appreciate your patience and understanding as we try to be patient and understanding with you, when it seems you can’t even understand what you actually want.


Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk