Tuesday, June 11, 2013

When you need a helping hand...

Dear Hotel Guests,

I fear that upon entering our front doors, you sometimes lose the basic ability to be a functioning member of society. It is with great concern, I wonder what you do in your own homes when you can’t just dial zero to have someone else take care of your issues.

The business center printer is out of paper? I’m more than happy to refill it once I tend to the line of people in front of me. Or if time is of the essence, simply rotate the rolling chair approximately forty five degrees, extend your arm to the stack of paper above the printer, and gently place it into said printer. You’ll be printing off your boarding pass in seconds flat! And to use the internet… I know it’s different than your home computer, just select the icon we have conveniently labeled INTERNET.

You can’t turn the TV on with the remote? I will gladly deliver a new one just as soon as I complete the reservation I’m making. But your program starts in thirty seconds? Stand up, walk the 6 feet to the TV and press the round button that reads “Power.”  I know you’ll have to get up again in five minutes when I knock on your door, and moving twice in such a small window is a lot to ask, but if you want those first five minutes, it’s a small sacrifice you’re going to have to make.

The Jacuzzi is too hot? I’m sorry to hear that the hot tub is too hot. It’s the nature of the beast. It will not burn you, nor will it boil you alive. If the temperature is too unbearable, I hate to suggest it, but perhaps people of your gentle nature should not use it. Many a person before you has survived and utterly enjoyed its heat.

I hope that the helplessness you acquire entering this hotel leaves before you get home, or you’re going to have a tough time adjusting to surviving on your own once you arrive home. Godspeed, sweet guests.

Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk

Monday, June 10, 2013

That's quite a set of meatballs you have there

Dear Non-Hotel Guests,

Speaking of important happenings in hotel public spaces, the lobby and breakfast area are in fact public. To registered guests and their guests. Not to you, local Mr. Lawyer conducting a meeting with client, or random hiring manager interviewing potential employees.

The wireless internet is free too! Yeah, it’s really beautifully appointed in here, and the temperature is perfect and it’s all free! Even coffee all day! Restrooms that you don’t have to clean. Ideal, isn’t it? No. Go back to your home or job. We are not hosting your personal call center or travelling office in our lobby.

We understand every now and then loyal guests need to stop by to borrow our amenities. That’s fine. But when you come in each and everyday I think it’s really time to pay the bill for the broadband in your own home or business…

Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk

P.S. If you happen to see what is obviously a staff luncheon happening in the public lobby area, no you can’t help yourself to “just a meatball or two.”  It doesn’t matter how loyal you are (to our lobby, even though you’ve never stayed here), the luncheon is for the mere peons who have to deal with people with their false sense of entitlement, like you, all day.

Sunday, June 9, 2013

Shh... important business happening!

Dear Hotel Guests,

If you choose to do your important business work/meeting/nap in a public space, such as a lobby, where music plays and the television blares, please recognize that you just may have noise distractions.

Unfortunately, I can’t evict the sweet ladies playing dominoes, nor can I give the boot to the tiny children watching cartoons. And the music must continuously play, day in day out, until it is permanently drilled into all of our collective brains. The desk phone isn't going to stop ringing for the sake of your important work.

If you’re interested though, you can rent out our meeting center… if that doesn't work I'm sure you will find silence and solitude in a white padded room. Because your sanity is in question for expecting a hotel lobby to be quiet.

Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk