Sunday, July 28, 2013

Five minus two is seventeen?

Dear Hotel Guests,

Unless I give you some indication that I am unable to calculate math in its most basic form, which I have not, it is unnecessary to tell me how much change I need to give you when you make a small drink or snack purchase.

Although I do deal with many guests on a daily basis who may be inept in such concepts, luckily it’s not contagious.

Sincerely,
Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk

Saturday, July 27, 2013

It's a lobby free for all!

Dear Hotel Guests,

This one goes out to Mr. Meatballs, the lobby squatter.

Don’t tell our breakfast hostess to stop vacuuming because you’re conducting an “important business meeting” in the breakfast area, also known as a very public area where people can come and go as they wish. If it were so important, maybe you could cough up the cash to rent the meeting room, or maybe actually stay here for once instead of helping yourself to breakfast everyday and draining all the coffee.

Oh wait, you’re a high tier member of our loyalty club. I forgot. You practically own the place. Not.

Sincerely,
Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk

Friday, July 26, 2013

Sorry the rate bites, but if you don't like it don't stay here!

Dear Hotel Guests,

I’m sorry your room bill made you hyperventilate a little bit. I don’t decide the rates; I just sell them because it’s my job. The thing is, if you decide to stay here, give us some money and sign on the line, that basically means you’re agreeing to said rates, even if you find them to be outrageous. If you don’t like them, lower your standards a tad and go to the sketchy place down the street where you sleep tight and inevitably let the bed bugs bite.

Don’t sign anything until you fully understand the terms of the registration. I know for some of you reading the fine print may come as a challenge, if your reading skills are anything like your listening skills, but it will save you the heartache of receiving a bill twice as high as you expected. We aren’t here to crush dreams. We’re here to offer you sweet dreams. Because we’re a hotel. And the beds are comfy.

Rates are quoted per night, so if you sign in thinking the “Rate Per Night” posted is actually the “Grand total for however long I stay here” you’re going to be gravely disappointed at the end of vacation. That’s why every friendly clerk is trained to say “The rate would be XYZ per night, plus tax.

Speaking of which, I’m sorry you are unhappy with the lodging tax. There is absolutely nothing I can do about that for you. There is literally no way for me to remove it from your bill unless you are able to spit up a tax exempt form. Take it up with the state government.

Thanks for your cooperation. You’ll have a much better time once you grasp these few simple concepts.

Sincerely,
Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk

Sunday, July 21, 2013

We'll shuttle you alright.

Dear Hotel Guests,

As a preface, you come here for the same reason as thousands of other tourists. Traffic is to be expected. I cannot predict the traffic.

That being said, asking me three times if you have to call the FREE shuttle in order for it to come back to the hotel isn’t going to change my answer. As soon has the people who arranged a shuttle ride ahead of you have been safely delivered to their destination, the FREE shuttle will return to the hotel, and then it will be your turn.

I gave you a rough estimate of when the FREE shuttle would return, but I can’t account for traffic fluctuations or a long line at the gas station. Now, when you come in for the fourth time, whining that you’ve been waiting for too long, I honestly don’t feel an ounce of sympathy towards your “predicament.”

It’s one thing if you had made an appointment for it, and it ended up late. But you didn’t. You just showed up and expected it to be ready for you that very instant. The beach isn’t going anywhere.

Maybe next time you want to somewhere stat, ride your high horse instead.

Sincerely,

Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk