Dear Hotel Guests,
I fear that upon entering our front doors, you sometimes lose the basic ability to be a functioning member of society. It is with great concern, I wonder what you do in your own homes when you can’t just dial zero to have someone else take care of your issues.
The business center printer is out of paper? I’m more than happy to refill it once I tend to the line of people in front of me. Or if time is of the essence, simply rotate the rolling chair approximately forty five degrees, extend your arm to the stack of paper above the printer, and gently place it into said printer. You’ll be printing off your boarding pass in seconds flat! And to use the internet… I know it’s different than your home computer, just select the icon we have conveniently labeled INTERNET.
You can’t turn the TV on with the remote? I will gladly deliver a new one just as soon as I complete the reservation I’m making. But your program starts in thirty seconds? Stand up, walk the 6 feet to the TV and press the round button that reads “Power.” I know you’ll have to get up again in five minutes when I knock on your door, and moving twice in such a small window is a lot to ask, but if you want those first five minutes, it’s a small sacrifice you’re going to have to make.
The Jacuzzi is too hot? I’m sorry to hear that the hot tub is too hot. It’s the nature of the beast. It will not burn you, nor will it boil you alive. If the temperature is too unbearable, I hate to suggest it, but perhaps people of your gentle nature should not use it. Many a person before you has survived and utterly enjoyed its heat.
I hope that the helplessness you acquire entering this hotel leaves before you get home, or you’re going to have a tough time adjusting to surviving on your own once you arrive home. Godspeed, sweet guests.
Friendly Neighborhood Desk Clerk